Today was Chase's due date. It has passed without mention (not even from Dustin) and that's okay. It's okay that Chase was a preemie. It wasn't okay with me when Addison was born premature. I longed to still be pregnant. I mourned on her due date, and much thereafter. But, for some reason I'm okay with it this time.
Maybe because, unlike Addison, Chase seemed like a typical full-term baby at birth and today looks and acts just like any other 5 week old.
Maybe because I didn't see him hooked up to tubes or watch him stop breathing, only to stop breathing myself each time.
Maybe because I'm not as scared for Chase's long term future as I once was for Addison.
Maybe it's nothing more than 20/20 hindsight.
Maybe because I've come to terms with the plan that God has set forth for me.
When Addison was born, someone sent me this "poem" and when we were told that Chase would most likely come early, I dug it out of my email and re-read it. Over. And over. And over again. It helped me to remember that plan I speak of and assured me that this time, I would be okay.
I am definitely no saint, but I think I've done an okay job with my preemies. If nothing else, I am one proud preemie mama!
How Preemie Moms are Chosen
Did you ever wonder how the mothers of premature babies are chosen?
Somehow, I visualize God hovering over Earth, selecting his instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As he observes, he instructs his angels to take notes in a giant ledger. "Beth Armstrong, son. Patron Saint, Matthew. Marjorie Forrest, daughter. Patron Saint, Celia. Carrie Rutledge, twins. Patron Saint... give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."
Finally, he passes a name to an angel and smiles. "Give her a preemie."
The angel is curious. "Why this one, God? She's so happy."
"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a premature baby a mother who knows no laughter? That would be cruel."
"But does she have the patience?" asks the angel.
"I don't want her to have too much patience, or she'll drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she'll handle it. I watched her today. She has that sense of self and independence so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has a world of its own. She has to make it live in her world, and that's not going to be easy."
"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."
God smiles. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just the right amount of selfishness."
The angel gasps, "Selfishness?! Is that a virtue?"
God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she will never survive. Yes, here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't know it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a spoken word. She will never consider a step ordinary. When her child says 'mama' for the first time, she will be witness to a miracle and know it. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see – ignorance, cruelty, prejudice – and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as she is here by my side."
"And what about her Patron Saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in the air.
God smiles. "A mirror will suffice."